The good, the bad, and the ugly

...is one of my favorite movies. Really. There's just something sooooo badass about sweaty dangerous men, out in the middle of 'the west' doing dangerous, criminal things. In the movies.
In real life, not so much. My life is so not filled with criminals and dynamite. My life is filled with a spinning wheel. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Since Alan is the best husband ever, he and I went on a field trip to Maringo, Ill. on Saturday, and picked out a wheel. It's a sweet little wheel, and frankly, I can't stop touching it. I'm obsessed. I've been trying new techniques, learning, learning, learning. And when I'm done, I have yarn. Some of which doesn't suck. I also bought a buttload of fiber to turn into yarn. Which is awesome. I'm a sucker for colored balls and batts of pretty hair. That's what this has all come to. So, that's the good.
The bad? The death of my Mom's sister, and the funeral. The trip to Riverton, Wyoming sort of fucked up my schedual, and left me feeling absolutely tired and drained. There was a silver lining however. That side of the family is awesome. Seriously funny, intelligent, People who Drink.
Sure, men are men. They have guns, and women cook. And I had to hear "I just couldn't live in a big city" about a thousand times.
"Uh, yeah you could...and frankly, I could live in a small town. I just choose to live in a big city. Don't sell yourself short."
So, it was good to reunite with a side of my family that I had been rather estranged from.
My favorite moment was when I was accused of secretly being the author of "Brokeback Mountain." What could be better?
I did come back from that sucker seriously stressed out, though. Mostly work related, but there was a little stress about what happens if my Mom dies? How can I keep her alive forever? I'm not sure that I could take her dying. Facing that eventuality saddens me beyond belief. So, that's the bad.
The ugly? My friend Shane's life. Without going into details, his life is in shreds right now. There's not a whole shitload I can do to help, either. He's in a place where no matter what decisions he makes, his life is going to change drastically, and it's going to be a painful, screwed up time for he and Izzy.
Having a child means that every single decision that you make has to be weighed by your concern for that child. (You hear me, Katie? Every fucking choice. Every single thing you do has to be good for you kid. Not just 1 out of 5. 1 out of 5 makes you a shitty parent. 2 out of five? No prize to you. 4 out of 5? Still not good enough. 5 out of 5. Hear me.)
Word.
I'm not sure what choices I would have to make if I had a kid. I'm sure I'd be plagued with self-doubt constantly, and I'm sure I'd find plenty of reasons to worry, and fret. But what pisses me off so much about this situation is that this isn't the little shit. This is big, life-destroying behavior, that has happened over and over. And it's not good for Izzy. Period. End of story.
The choices that have been made by both parents consistently ignores the big picture, and focuses on little details.
Yeah, ballet classes are a great idea. If your rent is paid. And you aren't struggling with a bigger fucking problem. I'm angry. There is a beautiful child in the middle of this shitstorm. She didn't ask to be born.
I'm angry with the world, because it's such a shitty place. I'm angry because it's a world that forces people to make choices that suck.
I'm angry with people who consistently delude themselves.
I'm just fucking angry, and sad. So sad. Because at the end of the day, it's really none of my business what happens, and my job is to support my friend, whatever choices he makes. And I will.
I promise.