Dear Restaurant Customer:

I know I am supposed to address you as a guest, as per our policy.

However, a couple of evenings ago, you crossed a line, and now, to me, you are simply a 'customer'.

These are simple guidelines for dining out. By your disregard of these guidelies, you have made your own night much more difficult.

Please review before you return to our establishment.

Do not lie and say you have a reservation, if you do not.

It is rude to lie, and frankly, we know when you are lying.
"Sir, when did you make this reservation?"
"Uh, a couple of days ago".

"Can you remember who you spoke to?"
"No"
"Man, woman?"

At this point you are squirming, but you refuse to admit that this is all a falsehood. You press forward.

"Uh, it was a woman? Maybe it was you?"

Not likely, Fuckface.

I really want to take the man aside, look deep into his eyes and say,
"Dude, none of this happened, did it?"

The end result? We say we're sorry, buy you a glass of cheap bubbly, and shove your ass into the worst seat in the house. Your wait for your "reservation" 1.5 hours. Exactly how long it would have taken had you put your name on the waitlist.

If you made a reservation for 6 people, please have six people show up at the restaurant at the appointed time.
Not twelve, not four. Six. If you have more than six, we cannot seat you when you want to be seated, 'cause, like, we didn't know that there were going to be twelve people, and at 9pm on a Friday night, we don't exactly have tables sitting empty. You'll wait. Up to, or longer than, two hours.

Please, when we say we can't take a reservation for ten people, that means that we can't take a reservation for ten. Don't then, make a reservation for six people, call your friend, have him make a reservation for four people, and then think, "We'll just pull our tables together."

Or, if you choose to do this, don't be shocked, and upset when it doesn't work.


Do not claim allergies that you don't have. Maybe this is a good idea at Cheesecake Factory, but we're pros at my fine establishement. You don't like nuts? Tell us.
Say you're allergic to nuts, and will die if you come in contact with them?
Out of concern, we'll tell you it's not safe to eat anything in our kitchen.
We're serious.

You say, "Well, as long as I don't eat any nuts.."

"Sir, we chop vetables with the same knives as we crush nuts with. Those oils are transferred to everything. We use the same pans for everything. If your allergy is as serious as you say, you shouldn't eat here."

You squirm. You cave. We know you are a liar who just doesn't like almonds.
You could have just said that.


Please leave within 20 minutes of closing time.

Lingering long after all others have left the restauraunt is not cool.
Sitting in an empty room does not make it 'fun' or 'exclusive'.
It makes you an asshat who is keeping me, and several other people from going home.
Going home to play with their kids, or feed their cats, or knit,or drink themselves to death...whatever. You are holding them hostage.

When we say, "We're calling last call, can I get you anything to drink before we close the bar?", please, don't think that what we're saying is, "Hang out for as long as you want, oh, and if you want another drink in a half-hour, you can totally have it."

That's not what we're saying. We're saying, "Get the fuck out."

Please don't walk in a half-hour after our kitchen closed and want us to reopen the kitchen just for you.

Please don't say:

"What about cheese? Just some cheese?"

No.

"I see people in the kitchen, I bet you they wouldn't mind making me a pizza. Go back and ask them."

No.

How 'bout this. How bout you ask Willie, who hasn't had a cigarette in four hours, and who's blood-alcohol level is dangerously low, who just at this moment is down on his hands and knees scrubbing behind the stove, that he should drop everything to make -you- a pizza. I dare you.

"I sure wish I could have an order of fries"
This will be said loudly, with a sideways glance at me, like I'm the nazi who's keeping you from your frites.

No.

Fuck you. McDonald's has a drive-thru.

Please don't pound on the window at 2am, freaking out because you can't find the valet. He might have gone home. Why would the valet hang out in the cold and the dark, on the street waiting for you? He leaves when we close. Just because you left our fine establishment, and then went barhopping, -WITHOUT TELLING THE VALET-, he should stand in the freezing rain and wait for you?
Oh, dear customer, I laugh and laugh.

Thank you, and come again.