Dear Restaurant Customer:

I know I am supposed to address you as a guest, as per our policy.

However, a couple of evenings ago, you crossed a line, and now, to me, you are simply a 'customer'.

These are simple guidelines for dining out. By your disregard of these guidelies, you have made your own night much more difficult.

Please review before you return to our establishment.

Do not lie and say you have a reservation, if you do not.

It is rude to lie, and frankly, we know when you are lying.
"Sir, when did you make this reservation?"
"Uh, a couple of days ago".

"Can you remember who you spoke to?"
"No"
"Man, woman?"

At this point you are squirming, but you refuse to admit that this is all a falsehood. You press forward.

"Uh, it was a woman? Maybe it was you?"

Not likely, Fuckface.

I really want to take the man aside, look deep into his eyes and say,
"Dude, none of this happened, did it?"

The end result? We say we're sorry, buy you a glass of cheap bubbly, and shove your ass into the worst seat in the house. Your wait for your "reservation" 1.5 hours. Exactly how long it would have taken had you put your name on the waitlist.

If you made a reservation for 6 people, please have six people show up at the restaurant at the appointed time.
Not twelve, not four. Six. If you have more than six, we cannot seat you when you want to be seated, 'cause, like, we didn't know that there were going to be twelve people, and at 9pm on a Friday night, we don't exactly have tables sitting empty. You'll wait. Up to, or longer than, two hours.

Please, when we say we can't take a reservation for ten people, that means that we can't take a reservation for ten. Don't then, make a reservation for six people, call your friend, have him make a reservation for four people, and then think, "We'll just pull our tables together."

Or, if you choose to do this, don't be shocked, and upset when it doesn't work.


Do not claim allergies that you don't have. Maybe this is a good idea at Cheesecake Factory, but we're pros at my fine establishement. You don't like nuts? Tell us.
Say you're allergic to nuts, and will die if you come in contact with them?
Out of concern, we'll tell you it's not safe to eat anything in our kitchen.
We're serious.

You say, "Well, as long as I don't eat any nuts.."

"Sir, we chop vetables with the same knives as we crush nuts with. Those oils are transferred to everything. We use the same pans for everything. If your allergy is as serious as you say, you shouldn't eat here."

You squirm. You cave. We know you are a liar who just doesn't like almonds.
You could have just said that.


Please leave within 20 minutes of closing time.

Lingering long after all others have left the restauraunt is not cool.
Sitting in an empty room does not make it 'fun' or 'exclusive'.
It makes you an asshat who is keeping me, and several other people from going home.
Going home to play with their kids, or feed their cats, or knit,or drink themselves to death...whatever. You are holding them hostage.

When we say, "We're calling last call, can I get you anything to drink before we close the bar?", please, don't think that what we're saying is, "Hang out for as long as you want, oh, and if you want another drink in a half-hour, you can totally have it."

That's not what we're saying. We're saying, "Get the fuck out."

Please don't walk in a half-hour after our kitchen closed and want us to reopen the kitchen just for you.

Please don't say:

"What about cheese? Just some cheese?"

No.

"I see people in the kitchen, I bet you they wouldn't mind making me a pizza. Go back and ask them."

No.

How 'bout this. How bout you ask Willie, who hasn't had a cigarette in four hours, and who's blood-alcohol level is dangerously low, who just at this moment is down on his hands and knees scrubbing behind the stove, that he should drop everything to make -you- a pizza. I dare you.

"I sure wish I could have an order of fries"
This will be said loudly, with a sideways glance at me, like I'm the nazi who's keeping you from your frites.

No.

Fuck you. McDonald's has a drive-thru.

Please don't pound on the window at 2am, freaking out because you can't find the valet. He might have gone home. Why would the valet hang out in the cold and the dark, on the street waiting for you? He leaves when we close. Just because you left our fine establishment, and then went barhopping, -WITHOUT TELLING THE VALET-, he should stand in the freezing rain and wait for you?
Oh, dear customer, I laugh and laugh.

Thank you, and come again.

I'm Pro-Choice, and I'm from South Dakota

The South Dakota state legislature is full of asshats. Asshats, who honestly believe that women shouldn't have the right to choose. Asshats who hate ecology, despise the idea of evolution, and love the bible and guns.

I was raised, for most of my life in Rapid City, South Dakota. I feel I have the perspective to make these perjorative statements.

Last summer when we took a road trip to So.Dak., I was both horrified, and slightly amused by several billboards.

One stated:

Did you forget something?

Your Fetus?

Which, honestly made for 200 miles of:

"Oh shit, dude, I left the fetus on top of the car. I just forgot about it."

The other, which was on the Nebraska border, stated:

vegetarians, you are not welcome in South Dakota.
Then, there was a list of all the ways that South Dakotans make their living off killing animals.

The last which made an impression was a picture of a chicken with a boot to it's ass, with a statement along the lines of
"My animals, and I'll abuse them if I want."

I'm not a vegetarian, but even I found these offensive.

If you live in a blue state, it's easy to think "Well, they just don't know any better."

uh, yeah they do. They just fucking hate you, you liberal shitbag. I mean, really hate you.

They hate me. They hated me when I lived there, and when I go back to visit, they hate me then, too.

We stand so far divided on so many issues as a nation, and shit like this doesn't help.

Gun Control. I like it. I personally don't like guns. I don't think it's a bad idea to have a couple of days to check out a potential gun buyer for restraining orders, past convictions, and the like. It's not that I don't think you shouldn't have a gun if you want one, hell, have as many as you like, just wait for a couple of days whist we make sure you're not set on killing your girlfriend with it. Is that too much to ask?

South Dakotans say "Yeah, it is."

Sustainable, organic farming. I think it's a good idea. I think it's the only thing that will save small, family-owned agriculture.

South Dakotans say, "Fuck that."

I'm pro-choice. I don't think gay people are evil. I have no particular hatred of anybody based on skin color. Uh, kids, red states don't like any of this shit.

Today, there is a strike, and a march by illegal aliens who don't want to be criminalized for seeking a better life. Support them. In Chicago 40,000 people will be marching through the loop, and frankly, they are marching for you.
Our laws become ever more Draconian.

Freaks like the Minutemen (the racist militia, not the cool punk band) wholly support these new laws.

One minuteman supporter in all her Anglo/Aryan glory spoke about the march today, saying, "They want to remake American."

Uh, yeah. And I want that American, not the one we have.

Piles of wool? Check.

My Lendrum wheel is the shit. As I grow to understand the physics and science behind what I'm doing, I'm blown away. Fiber lenghth, crimp, twist. s-twist, z-twist, niddy noddy. Mother of all, maidenhead, orifice hook, footman. It all sounds like phrases you'd hear at a local S&M night.

By the way, Shane, I was absolutely fucking serious about that whole sheep offer. I'll buy the sheep, you can have the milk, and breeder's fees, and all you have to do is feed that fucker. I'll pay for sheering. I keep the wool.

I'm surfing Local Harvest for fleeces to buy. Everyone knows that it's fleece season, right? Right. Oh, and if you google Local Harvest, you'll see tons and tons of cool stuff that local farms have for sale. Support your local farms. They need you. You need them.

Okay, so on to other shit.

If you work for unreasonable assholes (see Dion Antic Post), and you don't like it, quit.
And even if you just feel like you are working for unreasonable assholes, quit. Don't stay, and bring everybody down with your complaints. It's the service industry.
Nobody makes you stay. Hate it? Leave. You'll find another job within the week. If you don't, well, maybe the problem isn't your employer.

Maybe it's you.

That said, don't shit on me at work.
Don't 'dare' me to do something. Don't get shitty with me when I ask for an explaination about why your entire station was a cluster fuck all Saturday night.
Oh, and I didn't ask it like that. What I actually said was,
"The kitchen said that there were some problems with your tickets. What was going on last night? Could you show me how you are ordering things?"

Don't think that I'll feel sorry for you 'cause you don't like to work Sundays. Nobody does. It's your turn. Be a fucking man. Stop whining like a little sissy bitch. You have a penis. You own the fucking patriarchy. Shut up.

Don't play "Fuck you, I'll talk to you like your dirt, and try and avoid the real question, and if you don't like it, send me home." Fine.

I'll do it.

Not only that, I'll sleep fine, 'cause I know that you got what you wanted. I know that you'll go home, grab a drink, and feel okay about what you did.

Honestly, you've been a horror show lately. And even though I think that you are smart, and funny, being late every fucking day is shitty.
I know customers love you. I also know that you can't turn a two top in under 3 hours, and that you almost got into a physical confrontation with a guest about a shitty tip. A shitty tip that you really deserved, imho.

Don't ask the question, "What am I supposed to do when the train stops in a tunnel and makes me fifteen minutes late?"

Uh, dude. This has happened four days out of five. May I suggest the novel idea of leaving fifteen minutes earlier?

So that's my week in shorthand.